The Great I AM still is...

I didn't share this part of the story with many people last week but now to truly know the significance of the video below, you have to know the torture of the last week. Friday (the 16th) we went back to try to find that heartbeat one more time. I was 7 weeks. The doc couldn't find it =( She said that my HCG levels had gone from 59,000 to 71,000 which is extremely high for this time in my pregnancy but regardless of how high they were, they should have doubled and they didn't. She said that we should expect another miscarriage. I cannot explain the horror that entered my mind at that moment. I just sat there in the doctor's chair and sobbed. Justin sobbed, my mom sobbed, my dad sobbed and the doctor was tearing up (I could tell). During the last miscarriage a lot of women told me it was okay to feel angry and forgotten. But I can truly say I never did feel those emotions. God gave me a peace from the beginning...now I was sad, believe me, heartbroken, but never angry. Not this time. I took the next three days to be totally ticked off. I was so mad. More of a frustrated mad. Why? I just couldn't fathom how God was going to get glory for something that so many people had been praying against. I knew that I should "know" better, but I questioned God in those days. And then Monday rolled around. And it's like I woke up that morning with peace. It almost felt like a hope....I was afraid to tell anyone that I felt like God was telling me that THIS baby was going to be okay...I felt like I would look like a fool if that didn't happen. But I secretly told Justin that this is what I felt. He agreed that we should continue on in a positive light and be thankful for everyday we have with no spotting or cramping. Not to mention God was definitely reassuring my feelings as the nausea has reached an all time high this week. I had to leave school on Thursday and was out all day Friday....I couldn't even open my mouth to speak without it hitting.....most horrible feeling EVER. But I just prayed that God was not letting me feel all this in vain.

So, we went back yesterday. My doctor said this would be the ultrasound that showed us for sure if we would miscarry. She said she was 80% sure we would. My doctor happened to be out of town yesterday and so I saw another doctor in her practice. Right when he walked in the room he picked up my chart and said "97,000...your hcg levels look excellent!" Justin piped up and assured the doctor that this was not a good thing, I went from 71,000 to 97,000 in a week, they should have quadrupled in that time. To which this new doctor replied, "Oh no, once your levels get this high, they don't double anymore, her levels look great from where she is." (Kind of made me mad at my regular doc for scaring me!) Immediately that hope that God had given me before started flooding back and I was reassured in this little message he gave me. Then the doctor looked at me and said, "We're going to see good things on this ultrasound today" and he walked off. Woah, that is the first time I have EVER been to the obstetrician and gotten some positive news. I loved it! So we went in the ultrasound room and my mom asked me if I was nervous. I couldn't believe it but, I wasn't. As soon as we saw the picture of little sweet pea, he started pointing things out and I just had a sinking feeling...everything looked smaller to me, like the baby had shrunk (which is what it does before you have a miscarriage) and then as I started to disappear into my own mind with greif he said, "And that little flicker right there is the heartbeat". Okay, so I jumped back to reality, that seemed so surreal. All I could say was, "I see it! I see it!" It looked like two little lines hitting each other over and over again. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Justin looked at me with huge eyes and said, "can you believe it? It's really beating!" That is when the antics started, I busted out the camera phone and my mom was trying to take pictures of the ultrasound machine. It was just giggles non stop.

Here is a video I took of the little heartbeat. I was filming with a camera phone while in stirrups propped up on a table......this should explain the shakiness I hope. I know it is sooo hard to see, but if you watch the little dot (AKA: Sweet Pea) very carefully you can see a little flicker over on the right side......that's the heartbeat!!! It was much clearer in person but I thought I should share what I have!

After viewing this in the doctor's office Justin looks at me and says, "All this time I thought it was a little girl, and now after seeing it...I can tell it's a boy!" hahah. I am glad he could tell from the 4mm embryo what sex it is already! He's a weirdo!

So now, since we can actually SEE the baby and not just the little sac it is in, the doctor was able to measure little sweet pea and he says it measures 6 weeks and 1 day old....haha, that means we got a positive pregnancy test 2 whole days before we apparently concieved! hmmmm....who cares about the details...