Thursday, January 24, 2008

when everyone moves on...

This post probably won't make sense...since the thoughts in my mind don't make sense. Before we found out we weren't in fact going to have a baby, I was still worried. Funny how that works. God answered my prayer for a child and I immediately begin in "worry mode". No surprise, that's me. I remember having a distinct conversation with my husband at this time, preaching to him about the things God was teaching me (as if he needed the messages as much as I did...he didn't). I said, Justin, we should "be anxious about nothing, but in everything, with prayer and thanksgiving, make your request known to the Lord." Man, I knew there was a reason my youth pastor made me memorize those stinkin' verses. It was then, during my sermon, that I committed to "not worry". Instead, i thanked God for this baby, and for the sheer joy of conception (and the sheer miracle of it too...that's some crazy stuff, you should read about it). And I clearly and specifically made my request(s) known to the Lord. There, good job, I did a good job. Then the boat started rocking. We were miscarrying, let me re-phrase that, we ARE miscarrying. And I feel vulnerable in a completely new way. Everyone has said their "i'm so sorry"'s and sent cards, and gifts, and offered their many prayers but, there comes a point when people don't want to keep bringing you down, so they move on with the conversation. They try to talk about other things. I'm glad. I don't like to cry or be sad and focusing on other things is best for keeping that to a minimum matter how ready I am, spiritually and emotionally to "move on"......physically, I can't. My body is not letting go. So now i find it that all throughout my day i think about this little lifeless being that still cuddles inside me and I just feel as if everyone else has moved on. I don't know what I want. No more tears or sad looks from others. No more sympathetic hugs. I know it is healthy to move on but, I feel like I'm the only one left behind here. Justin is my hero. He knows. I can imagine how badly he wants to put this behind him and look toward the future. That's how he deals with things...he talks about future hopes and dreams. But, he is still careful not to move on without me. I'm so thankful I have someone to think about this with me. To understand what my physical situation does to my thoughts and emotions. So I'm stuck.......while everyone else moves on....

I've got this thing lately, with reading 5 different devotionals at once...just a little bit from each one every morning.... It was kind of cool how this same verse popped up again in one of these books during my quiet time over the next few days. And then it was in a totally different one, and then another one. Over the last 3 weeks, this verse has been the central idea in every one of my devotional books at some point in time....okay God, i get it. Each time I stopped to release my worry. I understand God, you don't want me to worry. I'm not. I'm doing so good, can't you see me down here. I'm not worrying, it's all for your glory. Then I give my thanks, just like the verse says, and make my request(s) known.
It's not working, the worry keeps coming back. It took so long before, will we be able to conceive again, is it going to be another torturous year? i can't handle that. To be so close, to finally breathe...what if this was a fluke and it never happens again? I've loved babies and wanted to be a mother since I was 6! And just like that, the worry returns. Yesterday morning this verse, you know, the one that haunts me, was in yet another devotional lesson for me. God, I'm not worried about losing this baby, I know it did not die in vain, and people will be saved through my story......because I WILL not let this be in vain! Your Glory is all that matters to me, truly it is. What more do you want from me? I know deep down I'm worried about all that other stuff. I want to be a mommy so badly. But you gave me that desire right? Certainly you'll fulfill it?? If I just knew that this was in your plans for me, I promise I would not worry. Can't I have a promise like Sarah and Abraham, like Hannah. I don't mean to ask for a sign, but God please? Then, I will trust whole-heartedly in your promise.
So I set out looking for my sign...oh the hillarity. I picked up my next devotional book and the anecdote was about a lady getting pregnant (sign? maybe?), then I got home from school and turned on the TV, one of my secret obsessions, Meerkat Manor was on. This episode was entirely based around the Meerkat mother giving birth and the rest of the clan struggling to take care of the new babies. (sign? maybe?) Oh as if that were enough...some elephant show came on where they follow these people who take care of African elephants and this particular episode was full of excitement,you see, they were going to get a live elephant birth of camera, oh and they did, every stinkin detail. (sign? maybe). As I share all of this sign business with Megan over a hot Firehouse sub (wondering if Animal Planet should be a reliable prophet of God) I fill her in on the verse predicament, and my yearning for some kind of a promise. She didn't have the answer......dangit Megan. So I twiddle off to church to spend some time with the youth group and an old high school friend of Justin's was speaking. His topic was "When Darkness Takes Over". Okay, another sermon about darkness and light, same 'ol same 'ol. Well, darnit if he didn't bust out with Phillipians 4:6......MY VERSE. What does that have to do with anything. So of course, I am hooked (and slightly dumb-founded). And God reveals it, I guess you could call it my sign. Christi, why are you fitting that verse into your life. Fit your life into that verse. God wasn't telling me to stop being anxious about having a baby one day (although I shouldn't be)...he was just saying "Stop being anxious". It makes sense to me, to you, it probably sounds like the same thing......but, I'm anxious because I'm afraid my desire won't be given. I should be about God's business, not my own. And in his business, he calls the shots. If God gives me a sign and it says "you will NEVER have children", will that change my walk with him, will my devotion be less. Likewise if he promises me this wish, am I suddenly going to serve him harder or better?? This shouldn't be a concern to me. It doesn't matter! In my measly little heart it does, but my heart should be only concerned in what HIS heart is concerned. When I worry myself with finding and living HIS will, our wills will be aligned and what I pray, I WILL receive! I guess I'm saying, I trust him. He really does know what is best for my life, and he does love me so much. If I am without child, then, my soul is well. He desires me, as much as I desire this child. I want to desire him even more. So that's what I'll worry myself with now.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s aday
when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day
when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies,

it’s hard tounderstand it
‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people
through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing,
heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…
all you’ll ever know…


Thursday, January 10, 2008

Plans change

So, as many of you probably know, it’s not quite my time to be a mommy. I’m guessing my precious baby must have been so great that God couldn’t stand to be away from it, so he called him/her home. What can you say. I have no eloquent words, just raw emotion. I have the comfort that comes from Psalm 139 one minute and then sudden bursts of sad disappointment the next. I have a hope that one day I will have a baby to hold in my arms and then I come across a post it note where I’ve written a list of all the “possible names” we would have named our sweet butterbean and I realize how much I loved THIS baby. I’m so thankful for the overwhelming blessings God has generously poured out on my life thus far and then I see one of the dozen pregnancy tests I took (you know, to “make sure”) and I’m saddened that there will never be another first time for that to happen, and I’m fearful that if we do conceive again…will my new baby be safe? It’s a jumble. But deep down, I’m okay. I’ve had a lot of women comfort me who have been through the same, in fact they’ve come out of the woodworks. They all say it doesn’t matter how long you carried the baby, whether it was 7 weeks or 9 months, they say the pain is the same. But I can’t help but be thankful that it happened so soon in the pregnancy for us. I felt myself growing more and more attached every day, reading about what was happening so far…maybe it hurts the same, but I don’t want to imagine the other version. They say that when you have a miscarriage, it is usually because something was wrong with the baby. And I realize what a child goes through when it doesn’t “fit in”. If something would have been wrong with my little darling, I’m glad that he/she will never have to go through the pain and strife this world would have offered. Instead my child will save daddy and I a seat in heaven…….who am I kidding any child of ours won’t be sitting nicely for eternity……our child will be dancing next to Jesus when we finally see it’s face! The selfish side of me says, I don’t care what was wrong, I want to hold my baby in my arms…but I know that butterbean is so very happy.
“All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16
I know this day was planned in my life long before I was even born, and it was planned in butterbean’s life also. That brings peace to my soul. Don’t get me wrong there is still pain, undeniable pain. But, when I am in the midst of it I remember:
Psalm 56:8 "You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?"
Again with the bottle thing……..Who cares for me enough to catch every one of the many tears I’ve cried. That same person gives me so many blessings and if I receive good things from him I must also be willing to receive the bad. And I am. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, Blessed be the name of the Lord!” I don’t understand why I was taken from but I KNOW my God loves me and does what is best for my life.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”
It’s like a mother who takes a steak knife away from her curious one year old. And that kid cries and cries and cannot for the life of him understand why his mother is so cruel to take away the one thing he wanted most. But the mother knows………not one of us would think less of her for taking it away. She knows that her child may not understand the reasons but he doesn’t have to…SHE knows what’s best.
My father does the same for me. He takes the things that need to be taken, the one thing I may want most. I will never know the reason, but I don’t need to know. Because I know that he loves me so much and promises in his word that he has prosperity and a future hope for me.
I am doing much better than I thought I would at this point. 90% of the time, I am calm and comforted, the other 10%.....uhhhh, I’m working on it. I can honestly say I have yet to feel angry, I don’t feel that way at all, only intense saddness. But I know my joy is made full in the knowledge that Jesus is my savior and he is ALL I need. I do pray that our joy can be added to with the addition of a child in the near future. So all you prayin’ folk out there…….saddle up!
Thank you to ALL my friends and family. I wish I could call each of you by name and thank you for pages and pages for the support you’ve given in these last few days. But, that would just be straight up boring to the rest of the world so know, that my heart his full because of you. I will say that my mother and father mean the world to me. Each time we had a “scary” doctor’s visit they drove 3 hours to go to it with me and hold my hand. Even when I was just having blood drawn, I always had them there to catch me if I fainted =) I love you mommy and daddy!
And last, though it means nothing to most of you, my husband is my rock. He is specifically and perfectly made just for me and my quirks. I love him with a love so intense that words won’t do it justice. If I am doing well in all of this it is 100% due to the support of my better than life husband. From keeping God at the center, to being optimistic when I couldn’t be, to just holding me for hours and letting me cry without saying a word. If nothing else this experience has shown me that we WILL make it through anything.
Mommy and Daddy love you sweet butterbean, and will count the days until we can finally meet.