Plans change

So, as many of you probably know, it’s not quite my time to be a mommy. I’m guessing my precious baby must have been so great that God couldn’t stand to be away from it, so he called him/her home. What can you say. I have no eloquent words, just raw emotion. I have the comfort that comes from Psalm 139 one minute and then sudden bursts of sad disappointment the next. I have a hope that one day I will have a baby to hold in my arms and then I come across a post it note where I’ve written a list of all the “possible names” we would have named our sweet butterbean and I realize how much I loved THIS baby. I’m so thankful for the overwhelming blessings God has generously poured out on my life thus far and then I see one of the dozen pregnancy tests I took (you know, to “make sure”) and I’m saddened that there will never be another first time for that to happen, and I’m fearful that if we do conceive again…will my new baby be safe? It’s a jumble. But deep down, I’m okay. I’ve had a lot of women comfort me who have been through the same, in fact they’ve come out of the woodworks. They all say it doesn’t matter how long you carried the baby, whether it was 7 weeks or 9 months, they say the pain is the same. But I can’t help but be thankful that it happened so soon in the pregnancy for us. I felt myself growing more and more attached every day, reading about what was happening so far…maybe it hurts the same, but I don’t want to imagine the other version. They say that when you have a miscarriage, it is usually because something was wrong with the baby. And I realize what a child goes through when it doesn’t “fit in”. If something would have been wrong with my little darling, I’m glad that he/she will never have to go through the pain and strife this world would have offered. Instead my child will save daddy and I a seat in heaven…….who am I kidding any child of ours won’t be sitting nicely for eternity……our child will be dancing next to Jesus when we finally see it’s face! The selfish side of me says, I don’t care what was wrong, I want to hold my baby in my arms…but I know that butterbean is so very happy.
“All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16
I know this day was planned in my life long before I was even born, and it was planned in butterbean’s life also. That brings peace to my soul. Don’t get me wrong there is still pain, undeniable pain. But, when I am in the midst of it I remember:
Psalm 56:8 "You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?"
Again with the bottle thing……..Who cares for me enough to catch every one of the many tears I’ve cried. That same person gives me so many blessings and if I receive good things from him I must also be willing to receive the bad. And I am. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, Blessed be the name of the Lord!” I don’t understand why I was taken from but I KNOW my God loves me and does what is best for my life.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”
It’s like a mother who takes a steak knife away from her curious one year old. And that kid cries and cries and cannot for the life of him understand why his mother is so cruel to take away the one thing he wanted most. But the mother knows………not one of us would think less of her for taking it away. She knows that her child may not understand the reasons but he doesn’t have to…SHE knows what’s best.
My father does the same for me. He takes the things that need to be taken, the one thing I may want most. I will never know the reason, but I don’t need to know. Because I know that he loves me so much and promises in his word that he has prosperity and a future hope for me.
I am doing much better than I thought I would at this point. 90% of the time, I am calm and comforted, the other 10%.....uhhhh, I’m working on it. I can honestly say I have yet to feel angry, I don’t feel that way at all, only intense saddness. But I know my joy is made full in the knowledge that Jesus is my savior and he is ALL I need. I do pray that our joy can be added to with the addition of a child in the near future. So all you prayin’ folk out there…….saddle up!
Thank you to ALL my friends and family. I wish I could call each of you by name and thank you for pages and pages for the support you’ve given in these last few days. But, that would just be straight up boring to the rest of the world so know, that my heart his full because of you. I will say that my mother and father mean the world to me. Each time we had a “scary” doctor’s visit they drove 3 hours to go to it with me and hold my hand. Even when I was just having blood drawn, I always had them there to catch me if I fainted =) I love you mommy and daddy!
And last, though it means nothing to most of you, my husband is my rock. He is specifically and perfectly made just for me and my quirks. I love him with a love so intense that words won’t do it justice. If I am doing well in all of this it is 100% due to the support of my better than life husband. From keeping God at the center, to being optimistic when I couldn’t be, to just holding me for hours and letting me cry without saying a word. If nothing else this experience has shown me that we WILL make it through anything.
Mommy and Daddy love you sweet butterbean, and will count the days until we can finally meet.