when everyone moves on...

This post probably won't make sense...since the thoughts in my mind don't make sense. Before we found out we weren't in fact going to have a baby, I was still worried. Funny how that works. God answered my prayer for a child and I immediately begin in "worry mode". No surprise, that's me. I remember having a distinct conversation with my husband at this time, preaching to him about the things God was teaching me (as if he needed the messages as much as I did...he didn't). I said, Justin, we should "be anxious about nothing, but in everything, with prayer and thanksgiving, make your request known to the Lord." Man, I knew there was a reason my youth pastor made me memorize those stinkin' verses. It was then, during my sermon, that I committed to "not worry". Instead, i thanked God for this baby, and for the sheer joy of conception (and the sheer miracle of it too...that's some crazy stuff, you should read about it). And I clearly and specifically made my request(s) known to the Lord. There, good job, I did a good job. Then the boat started rocking. We were miscarrying, let me re-phrase that, we ARE miscarrying. And I feel vulnerable in a completely new way. Everyone has said their "i'm so sorry"'s and sent cards, and gifts, and offered their many prayers but, there comes a point when people don't want to keep bringing you down, so they move on with the conversation. They try to talk about other things. I'm glad. I don't like to cry or be sad and focusing on other things is best for keeping that to a minimum but...no matter how ready I am, spiritually and emotionally to "move on"......physically, I can't. My body is not letting go. So now i find it that all throughout my day i think about this little lifeless being that still cuddles inside me and I just feel as if everyone else has moved on. I don't know what I want. No more tears or sad looks from others. No more sympathetic hugs. I know it is healthy to move on but, I feel like I'm the only one left behind here. Justin is my hero. He knows. I can imagine how badly he wants to put this behind him and look toward the future. That's how he deals with things...he talks about future hopes and dreams. But, he is still careful not to move on without me. I'm so thankful I have someone to think about this with me. To understand what my physical situation does to my thoughts and emotions. So I'm stuck.......while everyone else moves on....

I've got this thing lately, with reading 5 different devotionals at once...just a little bit from each one every morning.... It was kind of cool how this same verse popped up again in one of these books during my quiet time over the next few days. And then it was in a totally different one, and then another one. Over the last 3 weeks, this verse has been the central idea in every one of my devotional books at some point in time....okay God, i get it. Each time I stopped to release my worry. I understand God, you don't want me to worry. I'm not. I'm doing so good, can't you see me down here. I'm not worrying, it's all for your glory. Then I give my thanks, just like the verse says, and make my request(s) known.
It's not working, the worry keeps coming back. It took so long before, will we be able to conceive again, is it going to be another torturous year? i can't handle that. To be so close, to finally breathe...what if this was a fluke and it never happens again? I've loved babies and wanted to be a mother since I was 6! And just like that, the worry returns. Yesterday morning this verse, you know, the one that haunts me, was in yet another devotional lesson for me. God, I'm not worried about losing this baby, I know it did not die in vain, and people will be saved through my story......because I WILL not let this be in vain! Your Glory is all that matters to me, truly it is. What more do you want from me? I know deep down I'm worried about all that other stuff. I want to be a mommy so badly. But you gave me that desire right? Certainly you'll fulfill it?? If I just knew that this was in your plans for me, I promise I would not worry. Can't I have a promise like Sarah and Abraham, like Hannah. I don't mean to ask for a sign, but God please? Then, I will trust whole-heartedly in your promise.
So I set out looking for my sign...oh the hillarity. I picked up my next devotional book and the anecdote was about a lady getting pregnant (sign? maybe?), then I got home from school and turned on the TV, one of my secret obsessions, Meerkat Manor was on. This episode was entirely based around the Meerkat mother giving birth and the rest of the clan struggling to take care of the new babies. (sign? maybe?) Oh as if that were enough...some elephant show came on where they follow these people who take care of African elephants and this particular episode was full of excitement,you see, they were going to get a live elephant birth of camera, oh and they did, every stinkin detail. (sign? maybe). As I share all of this sign business with Megan over a hot Firehouse sub (wondering if Animal Planet should be a reliable prophet of God) I fill her in on the verse predicament, and my yearning for some kind of a promise. She didn't have the answer......dangit Megan. So I twiddle off to church to spend some time with the youth group and an old high school friend of Justin's was speaking. His topic was "When Darkness Takes Over". Okay, another sermon about darkness and light, same 'ol same 'ol. Well, darnit if he didn't bust out with Phillipians 4:6......MY VERSE. What does that have to do with anything. So of course, I am hooked (and slightly dumb-founded). And God reveals it, I guess you could call it my sign. Christi, why are you fitting that verse into your life. Fit your life into that verse. God wasn't telling me to stop being anxious about having a baby one day (although I shouldn't be)...he was just saying "Stop being anxious". It makes sense to me, to you, it probably sounds like the same thing......but, I'm anxious because I'm afraid my desire won't be given. I should be about God's business, not my own. And in his business, he calls the shots. If God gives me a sign and it says "you will NEVER have children", will that change my walk with him, will my devotion be less. Likewise if he promises me this wish, am I suddenly going to serve him harder or better?? This shouldn't be a concern to me. It doesn't matter! In my measly little heart it does, but my heart should be only concerned in what HIS heart is concerned. When I worry myself with finding and living HIS will, our wills will be aligned and what I pray, I WILL receive! I guess I'm saying, I trust him. He really does know what is best for my life, and he does love me so much. If I am without child, then, my soul is well. He desires me, as much as I desire this child. I want to desire him even more. So that's what I'll worry myself with now.