God stinkin' ROX

Yes, my husband took a picture of the pregnancy test.......he was a little bit ecstatic at the time =)

So the news is out! We're having a BABY!!! Jus and I are beyond excited, in fact, we're relieved. Since we were finally victorious in concieving I strongly feel the need to talk about the struggle we've been through the last 14 months. Sheerly for the fact that I wanted so badly to know that someone else had been through what I was going through......so maybe someone who needs that same comfort will find this post =).

So October of 2006 we threw away "the pills". Justin was 100% gung ho on the whole baby thing and while I REALLY REALLY wanted a baby, the thought of what would happen to my body and the fear of giving labor were still lingering in the back of my mind. A few months past and no baby....it was at this point that I started to really want this! I think the fear of not having a baby was FAR greater than all the fear that went along with having one. This is when the planner in me took over......ovulation tests, charts, basal body tempuratures.....the works. I was going to make us have a baby if it killed me, and it felt as if it nearly did. Each month I was SURE I felt all the symptoms. And each month I was more and more disappointed when my period came. I was reading all these websites and books telling me that most young healthy couples will concieve within 6 months of trying, very rarely it takes a year. So after six months went by, my goal was to beat that 1 year mark. That was this October, and when I wasn't pregnant that month, I lost it. I just remember crying uncontrollably. Sometimes in the middle of my classes in school. And for some reason God was bringing pregnant girls into my life repeatedly during this time. One of the freshman that I teach confided in me that she was pregnant and although I was in a twisted way jealous of her, I also didn't envy her situation either. I began to counsel her and she joined a bible study that I teach for high school girls. A few more students at my school got pregnant (I promise that is not the norm, but for some reason this year it was) and I guess I have this magnetism for pregnant teens because so many of them were approaching me for MY guidance....???? I didn't know if this was a test from God, I still don't, but I hope I passed if it was.
I began to look into fertility doctors and actually would have gone to visit one in October had I had my way. But Justin said just wait a couple more months. I'm not sure why he was so positive it would happen in a couple more months but I agreed and we waited. The next month.....nothing. I cannot even begin to put into words the sadness and longing you feel when you want to me mommy and have tried everything you can think of. I remember wanting babies and every once in a while getting that strong desire to have them NOW. But that isn't the feeling I am talking about. This is deeper, sadder, gut-wrenching. It's like no pain that you know. I would walk through the mall with my husband and see him staring at some cute little girl in her pig tails walking hand in hand with her daddy and I knew it hurt him too. We wanted that so badly. I started to think that God's plan for me was to adopt or something. I have a strange ability to absolutely love other people's children as if they were my own. I know that. Maybe God gave me that for a reason?? Everything about having our own child was looking pretty hopeless. Until December 18th at 5:30 am. That's when I decided "what the heck" take a test....it's probably going to be like the last 13 negative tests you've taken so far, but you might as well, you're used to the disappointment by now. So I did, and it was POSITIVE! And here we are today. Praising God for granting our wish. he didn't have to. We don't deserve it, Lord knows I didn't even have the faith of a mustard seed but God is so gracious that he gives to me anyway. It was worth 14 long miserable months to have the amazing feeling I have now. To know that in 9 months (should everything go as planned) we will have a precious little son or daughter. I can't wait, I absolutely can't wait!~ Thank you to all of you who fervently prayed for us. I believe intercession was a huge key in this gift God gave to us. Thank you to the few people who listened to my sobbing about this and felt the pain with me. I love you. Praise God!!

p.s. for all you trying mothers out there I have a few tips and tricks we tried this last month....who knows which one worked (it's all in God's timing anyway) but I know I would have loved to get my hands on ANYTHING to help me concieve. Comment on this blog and I'd be glad to help in any way I can!