Trying not to say the "B" word

I started thinking about my blog and how it is "Baby Central" these days. I feel as if I should write about something else every once in a while…I mean we DO have lives. I just tend to forget everything that happens other than doctor visits and symptoms. Okay so here is my attempt to write a normal blog about this last weekend. Memorial Day! I was sick and had to go home early on Thursday and also missed the whole day Friday. A little bit of nausea (that does not count as baby talk) and a little bit of this new cold I’ve gotten. So mom and dad came down a little early on Friday before my appointment and we went out to lunch. Then we headed to the hospital….skip this part….and afterwards they headed back to our house and hung out for a while. Partly because it was raining cats and friggin dogs for a while there. But soon they had to pack up and head back home. Saturday started with Justin going to get me a honey butter chicken biscuit. I’d love to say that this is just a random craving of mine but NO I’ve been obsessed with these long before pregnancy hit. But all of a sudden now, he is WAY more willing to get out and get me one whenever I want =) Then Toby and I headed to the mall with little Cooper and Justin and Kurt spent the day working in our flower beds. What a day! That night was the monthly UFC party. Tons of friends came over and we chowed on Pizza (well I didn’t, for some reason I am not liking pizza anymore). These parties never end until midnight thirty so we are exhausted by the time everyone leaves and hit the sack pretty hard. Who am I fooling….I’m such a great hostess that I usually fall asleep on the couch in the middle of the fights…oops. So, then it was Sunday and we enjoyed a great day at church and lunch with friends. I came home for a midday nap, my favorite, and Justin went golfing with the guys. I guess we were inspired by having Memorial day off the next day so we invited everyone over again on Sunday night for ice cream sundaes and an Indiana Jones marathon. We figured we can’t go see the new one until we catch up on all the old ones. Hope this new one is worth it! It was amazing, everyone fell asleep during the marathon except for ME! I never can stay awake but one of my many symptoms these days is random insomnia. And it happened to me at exactly the right time. Oh I forgot to mention that my little sister Jessica came to visit with her new boyfriend on Sunday also. The stayed the night….in separate rooms of course! And we all hung out for the beginning of the day on Monday. Later on I had a hair appointment which was desperately needed (don’t worry my doctor said it is not dangerous to get you hair dyed during pregnancy, I checked). And then the SGA put on a Benefit Concert for Sarah Norman, a junior at our school who has been diagnosed with Luekemia. We had the Chris McCarty band there and they are pretty great. You should check them out if you have time, I think you’ll like. Justin spent the rest of Memorial day fishing with his best friend Ben. And then Tuesday came around and I’m back at school =( Wednesday night was our end of the year SGA banquet and it was so cool. Everyone reminisced about another year gone by and we cried over losing the seniors (well, at least I did because I’m HORMONAL!) And the kids got me a $200 gift certificate to the Hilton on the beach. Jus and I will enjoy that thoroughly =) But the year is almost over! I’m excited to find tons of great things to do this summer.

The Great I AM still is...

I didn't share this part of the story with many people last week but now to truly know the significance of the video below, you have to know the torture of the last week. Friday (the 16th) we went back to try to find that heartbeat one more time. I was 7 weeks. The doc couldn't find it =( She said that my HCG levels had gone from 59,000 to 71,000 which is extremely high for this time in my pregnancy but regardless of how high they were, they should have doubled and they didn't. She said that we should expect another miscarriage. I cannot explain the horror that entered my mind at that moment. I just sat there in the doctor's chair and sobbed. Justin sobbed, my mom sobbed, my dad sobbed and the doctor was tearing up (I could tell). During the last miscarriage a lot of women told me it was okay to feel angry and forgotten. But I can truly say I never did feel those emotions. God gave me a peace from the beginning...now I was sad, believe me, heartbroken, but never angry. Not this time. I took the next three days to be totally ticked off. I was so mad. More of a frustrated mad. Why? I just couldn't fathom how God was going to get glory for something that so many people had been praying against. I knew that I should "know" better, but I questioned God in those days. And then Monday rolled around. And it's like I woke up that morning with peace. It almost felt like a hope....I was afraid to tell anyone that I felt like God was telling me that THIS baby was going to be okay...I felt like I would look like a fool if that didn't happen. But I secretly told Justin that this is what I felt. He agreed that we should continue on in a positive light and be thankful for everyday we have with no spotting or cramping. Not to mention God was definitely reassuring my feelings as the nausea has reached an all time high this week. I had to leave school on Thursday and was out all day Friday....I couldn't even open my mouth to speak without it hitting.....most horrible feeling EVER. But I just prayed that God was not letting me feel all this in vain.

So, we went back yesterday. My doctor said this would be the ultrasound that showed us for sure if we would miscarry. She said she was 80% sure we would. My doctor happened to be out of town yesterday and so I saw another doctor in her practice. Right when he walked in the room he picked up my chart and said "97,000...your hcg levels look excellent!" Justin piped up and assured the doctor that this was not a good thing, I went from 71,000 to 97,000 in a week, they should have quadrupled in that time. To which this new doctor replied, "Oh no, once your levels get this high, they don't double anymore, her levels look great from where she is." (Kind of made me mad at my regular doc for scaring me!) Immediately that hope that God had given me before started flooding back and I was reassured in this little message he gave me. Then the doctor looked at me and said, "We're going to see good things on this ultrasound today" and he walked off. Woah, that is the first time I have EVER been to the obstetrician and gotten some positive news. I loved it! So we went in the ultrasound room and my mom asked me if I was nervous. I couldn't believe it but, I wasn't. As soon as we saw the picture of little sweet pea, he started pointing things out and I just had a sinking feeling...everything looked smaller to me, like the baby had shrunk (which is what it does before you have a miscarriage) and then as I started to disappear into my own mind with greif he said, "And that little flicker right there is the heartbeat". Okay, so I jumped back to reality, that seemed so surreal. All I could say was, "I see it! I see it!" It looked like two little lines hitting each other over and over again. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Justin looked at me with huge eyes and said, "can you believe it? It's really beating!" That is when the antics started, I busted out the camera phone and my mom was trying to take pictures of the ultrasound machine. It was just giggles non stop.

Here is a video I took of the little heartbeat. I was filming with a camera phone while in stirrups propped up on a table......this should explain the shakiness I hope. I know it is sooo hard to see, but if you watch the little dot (AKA: Sweet Pea) very carefully you can see a little flicker over on the right side......that's the heartbeat!!! It was much clearer in person but I thought I should share what I have!

After viewing this in the doctor's office Justin looks at me and says, "All this time I thought it was a little girl, and now after seeing it...I can tell it's a boy!" hahah. I am glad he could tell from the 4mm embryo what sex it is already! He's a weirdo!

So now, since we can actually SEE the baby and not just the little sac it is in, the doctor was able to measure little sweet pea and he says it measures 6 weeks and 1 day old....haha, that means we got a positive pregnancy test 2 whole days before we apparently concieved! hmmmm....who cares about the details...

6 weeks and 5 days

So, here is little Sweet Pea all grown up....well, I guess you could say that. Yesterday at our appointment we measured 6 weeks and 5 days, which is a whole day more than we expected to measure. The kid went from 8.2mm to 18.8mm in just one week! But unfortunately we still weren't able to see the heartbeat. Leave it up to me to have a stubborn child that won't just cooperate and show us the darn heartbeat. I'm not worried though (or at least I'm telling myself that) the doctor said we'll come back on Friday and look for it again.

I was going to try and write about some other things that have been happening with us lately but in comparison to the baby, it's all a blur and I really don't do anything besides think and worry about my kid......I'm going to die young.

Oh wait, I can think of one thing...we bought a new fancy smancy camera. I'm excited to learn how to use it. But to be honest, we only bought it so that we could take pictures of Sweet Pea. It all revolves around the child =)

The Tossing of the Cookies

I apologize in advance for the graphicness of this post...so is life. Today, if you go by my last ultrasound, I am officially 6 weeks! Not a big deal to most, but that is 6 weeks with no complications so far, 6 weeks of un-interuptted "I'm really having a baby" time, 6 weeks closer to my life-long dream. I think this is a very important day to God too, in fact he decided to commemorate it....hmmm, now what would be a good way to do that...oh I got it, I'll make her first official public regurgitation today! Sounds just as pleasant as it was, trust me. So there we are in Lowes, picking out new hardwood floors...when Justin asked me what I wanted for my first mother's day I said "floors!". I have a feeling after looking at pricing and LABOR, I might be getting a pretty "mommy" bracelet in hopes that I forget about the floors =) We'll see! Anyway, the last two or three days I have been feeling more and more nauseous but haven't actually thrown up yet, just a lot of gagging going on. As a matter of fact i was walking down the hallway yesterday on my way to my next class and I just gagged really big out of no where, it even made a little bit of a sound. Which in itself is not very funny at all but due to the fact that a poor little freshman boy just happened to be walking by at that moment and assumed that my gag was toward him, it became a bit more embarrassing =) He gave me the strangest look and just kept walking. Sorry kid. So now back to my Lowes story: As we were picking out our floors I heard a lady ask a sales associate where the bathroom was and before I even heard the answer to that lady's question, I looked at Justin and said "wherever it is, I need to find it!" Now, I don't know about your husbands but mine automatically assumes that I have a violent bowel movement coming on (I mean that is what HE means when HE says 'I need the bathroom now' isn't it?). I was so sick that I knew if I opened my mouth to correct him it would all be over in the middle of the hardwood aisle. So I didn't. Regardless, that was serious business to him and he started sprinting to find the sales associate that we JUST HEARD talking to that other lady. Why weren't we listening to the location of the bathroom??!! We couldn't find the darn guy so we walked around the entire perimeter of that store and finally realized the the restroom was at the VERY front. So we were off...I was in there FOREVER. I'll spare the details but I would feel bad not to let you in on the "now quite funny"/"then not so funny" happenings in the restroom. So I go in to do my thing and we had just eaten a BIG lunch at Chili's. After the first big heave the toilet water splashed back up into my face.....which made my bones shiver with grossness which even added more to the nausea situation. Which made me throw up even more which led to me sobbing frantically. By the end of the whole thing, I have toilet water on my face, I've learned that I need to chew my food better, and had mascara running down my face. I walked out of the stall and like 5 ladies were just starring at me....I'm sure they were thinking "Crack head" because that is exactly what I looked like =) So it gets better...you see, earlier this week I was telling Justin that this nausea thing wasn't that bad, a little gagging here and there was well worth having my precious baby! In fact, symptoms were a blessing. So as I walk out of the bathroom, horrified and self-pitying I finally was able to tell my husband that I was nauseous and not...the other kind of sick. So Justin decides it's a good idea to look at me and say with a big goofy grin on his face, "I'm SO thankful your throwing up! Isn't it great!" P.S. future daddy's of america, bad choice of words at that moment!

But all ended well, I got myself a Sprite to ease my burning esophagus and we continued shopping! haha. I have a feeling this will be the start of many tossings of the cookies....I promise not to write about them all.....that is, unless they are all as eventful as this time =)

Now introducing...Baby Tyner!

Better known as "Sweet Pea". We had our first doctor's appointment today and things went pretty well I'd say....not exactly what I would have wanted but MUCH better than last time! Here are the only pictures of my sweet little baby. We went in today thinking we were at the 6 week mark (that's according to my last period) but we all know that ovulation and periods don't always match up, especially mine. I figured the days would be off a bit. Instead the baby measured 5 weeks and 3 days. Which means my pregnancy test kicks butt. We found out sooo early (which now makes sense, I was wondering why it looked negative at first). I wanted to know so badly and now the waiting for the heartbeat is torture. My doctor scheduled us to come back in a week, next Wednesday and we should see some definite growth and probably a heartbeat! So here I go again, counting down the days. Up until yesterday, I have had peace about this pregnancy. A true hope that this one is going to be okay....until yesterday that is, the day before THE appointment. The last time I went in for a "first appointment" I left more broken hearted than I had ever been. And being that it was my only experience to go on, all those feelings came back to me yesterday. I prayed and had so many friends and family lifting us up to God. And if I thought yesterday was bad, you should have seen me today. I was out of it. Just drifting, watching every minute tick off the clock and praying that 1 o'clock would get here already. It eventually did and I met Justin and my Mom and Dad (yes, they drive down for EVERY appointment....crazy, but I love 'em) at the hospital and we all marched in together. Justin steadily reassuring me that this time is different and Sweet Pea is just perfect in there. When the doctor started the ultrasound I took a deep breathe and prayed one last time for strength no matter what the outcome. I saw the sac and waited for her to measure. When she said "You're measuring 5 weeks and 3 days" my heart sank......that was the exact measurement of my little butterbean at our first visit. The sheer sound of that number sent a chill through my bones and I wanted to cry. The only difference is that I was supposed to be 7 1/2 weeks with butterbean, that's a big difference, AND I had been bleeding for a couple weeks at that time so......after I tried to convince the doctor that something was wrong, she assured me that it wasn't. She said everything looked great to her. And she could even see a little yolk (fetal pole) forming in the sac.......it's hard to see in the pictures but there is the beginnings of a little yolk sac, she showed it to me at three different angles and finally some relief came over me. Oh and I did learn that I am the home to another foreign object that happens to be growing just fine.....a 2 inch cyst on my right ovary! In case you weren't present for my last battle with one of these suckers last December.....it wins every time! I'm scared of the day that thing ruptures and I figure it's only a matter of time before Sweet Pea decides that this womb ain't big enough for the both of them=(

I know I should trust her, she sees these things every day and I could tell on her face that she wasn't worried at all. It was nothing like the time before. A lot of things were different this time. She gave me pictures, which she never did with butterbean (I'm pretty sure she knew from the beginning) and she gave me all kinds of baby magazines and literature.....she had me go for different blood testing, they took 20 viles (no exhaggeration there) which makes me think it is more of a "pregnancy workup". I feel at ease, not completely but I'm better. If you took the time to pray for me even once in these last two weeks please know that I cannot express my gratitude. Please continue to pray, this next week is going to be nerve racking and I just need God's peace beyond understanding.

In my devo this morning it talked about living your life frivilously with God. To not make any plans or have any expectations for "your future" but to just get on the ride with God and let him surprise you along the way. In case you aren't aware, everything about that statement is anti-ME. I am such a planner. I already have nursery ideas and potential names for my child who is only a little over 5 weeks old! But how much fun and care free? To just let God....