My definition:

So I posted the lyrics to that last song without any explanation or intro...not that it isn't powerful enough on it's own. But, I just keep listening to it over and over and every phrase speaks to MY life. Not some general "it applies" but I mean God is telling me something specific just...about me and him. So I just feel the need to interpret...to write down what each of these words mean to me. Maybe I will need to look back upon it one day, who knows?

I am not skilled to understand
what God has willed, what God has planned
I try so hard to decipher and understand why God allows certain events into my life. The most questioning is losing my two sweet babies of course. But I am reminded so gently that it is not my job to understand...I should stop trying to dream up a reason or a plan that God must be forming. It just IS. And that is enough.

I only know at his right hand
stands one who is my Savior
All I need to know is that my savior is there. All of this that goes on, is allowed by MY SAVIOR. I have Jesus standing at the right hand of God and interceding on my behalf. If he is okay with my life as it is, so am I. The story of Job shows me an inside view of how bad things happen to good people (like I'm a good person or something). And through that story I see that MY SAVIOR is so sure of me, that he knows I will stand for him under any trial or temptation...if he wasn't sure, he wouldn't let Satan attack. I am strong because I know he believes I am strong. And I KNOW he is working up the best for me. He is filling up a pitcher of blessings and it will be tipped...one day.

I take him at his word and deed
Christ died to save me this I read
How about I trust the one who has never lied?? The one who is blameless...when all are faithless he is faithful. His word says he has a plan for me, to prosper me....his word says that he is working all things togther for my good. His deeds in my life show me that he loves me, his greatest deed was dying on a stinkin' cross because of me...how bout I trust that?

And in my heart I find a need
of him to be my savior
It's not a feeling or a want...it's a need. I can't physically survive without him. And it's unexplainable how the more this yearning and needing grows the happier I am. Truly happy. No one else can save my aching soul. Nothing.

That he would leave his place on high
and come for sinful man to die
How dare I ask for more for me than my Jesus asked for himself? I am NOT entitled to good things, to blessings...I can't earn them or be "good enough". I deserve death and despair. Praise God that he released me from that destiny and now I can live in expectance of blessings...wow.

You count it strange so once did I
before I knew my savior
Oh, my second favorite verse of this song. I can imagine how strange it sounds. It sounds strange to me too, when I listen with my own ears. But when God lends me an ear to listen with...it suddenly all makes sense. Just knowing him........Knowing you Jesus, knowing you, there is no greater thing...

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
He loves and he lives. That's all i need to know. He loves me, and he's alive and working. As if that weren't enough, he's always there for me. In my hard times as well as my good, always there.

Yes living dying let me bring
My strength my solace from this spring
Whether I'm living abundantly or facing death, whatever phase of life I walk through. My Strength will come from the knowledge that he died for me, and my Solace will come from the knowledge that he died for me. How can two opposite feelings come from the same event. It's the only event in history like that, complete.

that he who lives to be my king
once died to be my savior
And now, my favorite verse of the whole song...how ironic it is? Just to be MY king, he died. Just to prove to my poor heart that he adores it. How special this verse makes me feel. I can't let myself forget that the God who is planning and orchestrating my life today is the same one who died for me long ago.

My God he was,
Before this time...

My God he is,
During this time...

My God he's always gonna be.
And understand me when I say, "AFTER THIS TIME..."


And with that said...
I think that ol' pitcher might be wobbling. (the pitcher of blessings I talked about above). Little droplets are starting to fall. I can feel them. The strangest events in my life are all starting to come together and make a little sense. My ultimate dream would be to run my own crafting business for a living (The Prissy Pink Polka Dot), but i wasn't sure it would generate enough customers...and now, I am packed with orders...backed up for Christmas already. I started working on this business after we lost the first baby. I tell Justin periodically that I would have NEVER started it had that baby lived (not a good trade in my opinion, but unchangeable none-the-less). I haven't had the time to advertise at all, so I am excited about what this little business could be =) The second part of my dream life would be devoting my life to Chosen, the girl's ministry we started last year at our church. It has grown so large that we have had to split into two groups now...we have about 75 high school girls on the roll (and that means they have actually come!) We are planning mother/daughter cruises and father/daughter balls...it's going to be amazing. But at this time last year I was just one of the 10ish women involved in it and couldn't imagine that I would get the chance (any time soon) to be the head of it all, nor did I have the time to do it anyway. But things are in the air and God is changing hearts. He's been preparing mine already. I would love for this ministry to be my life! As for the time issue...well, I may be having a lot more of it after this year. I haven't renewed my teaching certification (because for a good many months I thought I would be staying home with a baby by now) and my time is almost up. If I don't get it done, I might have a lot more time to devote to these too dreams of mine. But I have no doubt that it would be the hand of God at work in my life should that happen. And the third and last part to this dream would be a child of course, oh forget that, lots of children! And with all the doubts that usually swirl in my head...I'm hopeful. I can't explain it, I just feel it. I told you, the pitcher's about to tip! A teacher that works at my school (but not in my department and I don't really know her) sent me an email on Wednesday. It was like 4 pages long. Just about how God has been speaking to her. You see, last year she had a baby and right after my first miscarriage I went to her baby shower and gave her a diaper cake with all the matchy things to go along with it. She loved it to say the least. In this email that she wrote she said, well, let me just paste it...

"...before I go, I want you to know that God has a remarkable plan for your life. I knew this already, but today I saw it even more clearly. You will be a mother very soon, and I will be on the front row at your baby shower. Every morning when I go in Ross’s nursery to feed him, I stare at the cellophane arrangement you gave me at my shower. I see the monogrammed cloth and the other assorted gifts, and I pray for you. Every morning I pray that God will give you a child that will display his image in a way this world has never known. As for the gift, I cannot bring myself to open it because it is too pretty. The arrangement is right by his crib, and it’s the first thing I see each morning. When I look at it, I am reminded that it was one of the most thoughtful gifts I received. It was thoughtful because it was personal. You knew Ross’s name and each item was hand-picked by you and attached with a scripture. This is when I am reminded that God has a personal arrangement like this for you too. It is a beautiful display of all the treasures he has just for you. Each item is hand picked by him, and each item is attached with a specific scripture. It’s the trophies of all of the places he’s brought you through and a promise of all of the places he will take you. It’s neatly wrapped up, and it is branded with your name, Christi. Don’t be like me, too foolish to open it. He has not forgotten about you or your dreams. He will give you a child. He will give you everything your heart desires. Just hold on, and see his glory unfold in the most unlikely way. I promise it will be worth the journey. I don’t know you really well, but for some reason, possibly because we share the same father, I feel complete liberty to say I love you."

Okay, so there is no way I could have summed that up in as glorious a way as she did. It's not like it was the first encouraging email I've recieved but the message that was enclosed is the same message my God has been laying on my heart lately. His fingerprints are evident in my days to come...you just watch and see!