when everyone moves on...

This post probably won't make sense...since the thoughts in my mind don't make sense. Before we found out we weren't in fact going to have a baby, I was still worried. Funny how that works. God answered my prayer for a child and I immediately begin in "worry mode". No surprise, that's me. I remember having a distinct conversation with my husband at this time, preaching to him about the things God was teaching me (as if he needed the messages as much as I did...he didn't). I said, Justin, we should "be anxious about nothing, but in everything, with prayer and thanksgiving, make your request known to the Lord." Man, I knew there was a reason my youth pastor made me memorize those stinkin' verses. It was then, during my sermon, that I committed to "not worry". Instead, i thanked God for this baby, and for the sheer joy of conception (and the sheer miracle of it too...that's some crazy stuff, you should read about it). And I clearly and specifically made my request(s) known to the Lord. There, good job, I did a good job. Then the boat started rocking. We were miscarrying, let me re-phrase that, we ARE miscarrying. And I feel vulnerable in a completely new way. Everyone has said their "i'm so sorry"'s and sent cards, and gifts, and offered their many prayers but, there comes a point when people don't want to keep bringing you down, so they move on with the conversation. They try to talk about other things. I'm glad. I don't like to cry or be sad and focusing on other things is best for keeping that to a minimum but...no matter how ready I am, spiritually and emotionally to "move on"......physically, I can't. My body is not letting go. So now i find it that all throughout my day i think about this little lifeless being that still cuddles inside me and I just feel as if everyone else has moved on. I don't know what I want. No more tears or sad looks from others. No more sympathetic hugs. I know it is healthy to move on but, I feel like I'm the only one left behind here. Justin is my hero. He knows. I can imagine how badly he wants to put this behind him and look toward the future. That's how he deals with things...he talks about future hopes and dreams. But, he is still careful not to move on without me. I'm so thankful I have someone to think about this with me. To understand what my physical situation does to my thoughts and emotions. So I'm stuck.......while everyone else moves on....

I've got this thing lately, with reading 5 different devotionals at once...just a little bit from each one every morning.... It was kind of cool how this same verse popped up again in one of these books during my quiet time over the next few days. And then it was in a totally different one, and then another one. Over the last 3 weeks, this verse has been the central idea in every one of my devotional books at some point in time....okay God, i get it. Each time I stopped to release my worry. I understand God, you don't want me to worry. I'm not. I'm doing so good, can't you see me down here. I'm not worrying, it's all for your glory. Then I give my thanks, just like the verse says, and make my request(s) known.
It's not working, the worry keeps coming back. It took so long before, will we be able to conceive again, is it going to be another torturous year? i can't handle that. To be so close, to finally breathe...what if this was a fluke and it never happens again? I've loved babies and wanted to be a mother since I was 6! And just like that, the worry returns. Yesterday morning this verse, you know, the one that haunts me, was in yet another devotional lesson for me. God, I'm not worried about losing this baby, I know it did not die in vain, and people will be saved through my story......because I WILL not let this be in vain! Your Glory is all that matters to me, truly it is. What more do you want from me? I know deep down I'm worried about all that other stuff. I want to be a mommy so badly. But you gave me that desire right? Certainly you'll fulfill it?? If I just knew that this was in your plans for me, I promise I would not worry. Can't I have a promise like Sarah and Abraham, like Hannah. I don't mean to ask for a sign, but God please? Then, I will trust whole-heartedly in your promise.
So I set out looking for my sign...oh the hillarity. I picked up my next devotional book and the anecdote was about a lady getting pregnant (sign? maybe?), then I got home from school and turned on the TV, one of my secret obsessions, Meerkat Manor was on. This episode was entirely based around the Meerkat mother giving birth and the rest of the clan struggling to take care of the new babies. (sign? maybe?) Oh as if that were enough...some elephant show came on where they follow these people who take care of African elephants and this particular episode was full of excitement,you see, they were going to get a live elephant birth of camera, oh and they did, every stinkin detail. (sign? maybe). As I share all of this sign business with Megan over a hot Firehouse sub (wondering if Animal Planet should be a reliable prophet of God) I fill her in on the verse predicament, and my yearning for some kind of a promise. She didn't have the answer......dangit Megan. So I twiddle off to church to spend some time with the youth group and an old high school friend of Justin's was speaking. His topic was "When Darkness Takes Over". Okay, another sermon about darkness and light, same 'ol same 'ol. Well, darnit if he didn't bust out with Phillipians 4:6......MY VERSE. What does that have to do with anything. So of course, I am hooked (and slightly dumb-founded). And God reveals it, I guess you could call it my sign. Christi, why are you fitting that verse into your life. Fit your life into that verse. God wasn't telling me to stop being anxious about having a baby one day (although I shouldn't be)...he was just saying "Stop being anxious". It makes sense to me, to you, it probably sounds like the same thing......but, I'm anxious because I'm afraid my desire won't be given. I should be about God's business, not my own. And in his business, he calls the shots. If God gives me a sign and it says "you will NEVER have children", will that change my walk with him, will my devotion be less. Likewise if he promises me this wish, am I suddenly going to serve him harder or better?? This shouldn't be a concern to me. It doesn't matter! In my measly little heart it does, but my heart should be only concerned in what HIS heart is concerned. When I worry myself with finding and living HIS will, our wills will be aligned and what I pray, I WILL receive! I guess I'm saying, I trust him. He really does know what is best for my life, and he does love me so much. If I am without child, then, my soul is well. He desires me, as much as I desire this child. I want to desire him even more. So that's what I'll worry myself with now.

Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s aday
when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day
when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies,
it’s hard tounderstand it
‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people
through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing,
heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…
all you’ll ever know…

~Watermark

Plans change

So, as many of you probably know, it’s not quite my time to be a mommy. I’m guessing my precious baby must have been so great that God couldn’t stand to be away from it, so he called him/her home. What can you say. I have no eloquent words, just raw emotion. I have the comfort that comes from Psalm 139 one minute and then sudden bursts of sad disappointment the next. I have a hope that one day I will have a baby to hold in my arms and then I come across a post it note where I’ve written a list of all the “possible names” we would have named our sweet butterbean and I realize how much I loved THIS baby. I’m so thankful for the overwhelming blessings God has generously poured out on my life thus far and then I see one of the dozen pregnancy tests I took (you know, to “make sure”) and I’m saddened that there will never be another first time for that to happen, and I’m fearful that if we do conceive again…will my new baby be safe? It’s a jumble. But deep down, I’m okay. I’ve had a lot of women comfort me who have been through the same, in fact they’ve come out of the woodworks. They all say it doesn’t matter how long you carried the baby, whether it was 7 weeks or 9 months, they say the pain is the same. But I can’t help but be thankful that it happened so soon in the pregnancy for us. I felt myself growing more and more attached every day, reading about what was happening so far…maybe it hurts the same, but I don’t want to imagine the other version. They say that when you have a miscarriage, it is usually because something was wrong with the baby. And I realize what a child goes through when it doesn’t “fit in”. If something would have been wrong with my little darling, I’m glad that he/she will never have to go through the pain and strife this world would have offered. Instead my child will save daddy and I a seat in heaven…….who am I kidding any child of ours won’t be sitting nicely for eternity……our child will be dancing next to Jesus when we finally see it’s face! The selfish side of me says, I don’t care what was wrong, I want to hold my baby in my arms…but I know that butterbean is so very happy.
“All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16
I know this day was planned in my life long before I was even born, and it was planned in butterbean’s life also. That brings peace to my soul. Don’t get me wrong there is still pain, undeniable pain. But, when I am in the midst of it I remember:
Psalm 56:8 "You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?"
Again with the bottle thing……..Who cares for me enough to catch every one of the many tears I’ve cried. That same person gives me so many blessings and if I receive good things from him I must also be willing to receive the bad. And I am. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, Blessed be the name of the Lord!” I don’t understand why I was taken from but I KNOW my God loves me and does what is best for my life.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”
It’s like a mother who takes a steak knife away from her curious one year old. And that kid cries and cries and cannot for the life of him understand why his mother is so cruel to take away the one thing he wanted most. But the mother knows………not one of us would think less of her for taking it away. She knows that her child may not understand the reasons but he doesn’t have to…SHE knows what’s best.
My father does the same for me. He takes the things that need to be taken, the one thing I may want most. I will never know the reason, but I don’t need to know. Because I know that he loves me so much and promises in his word that he has prosperity and a future hope for me.
I am doing much better than I thought I would at this point. 90% of the time, I am calm and comforted, the other 10%.....uhhhh, I’m working on it. I can honestly say I have yet to feel angry, I don’t feel that way at all, only intense saddness. But I know my joy is made full in the knowledge that Jesus is my savior and he is ALL I need. I do pray that our joy can be added to with the addition of a child in the near future. So all you prayin’ folk out there…….saddle up!
Thank you to ALL my friends and family. I wish I could call each of you by name and thank you for pages and pages for the support you’ve given in these last few days. But, that would just be straight up boring to the rest of the world so know, that my heart his full because of you. I will say that my mother and father mean the world to me. Each time we had a “scary” doctor’s visit they drove 3 hours to go to it with me and hold my hand. Even when I was just having blood drawn, I always had them there to catch me if I fainted =) I love you mommy and daddy!
And last, though it means nothing to most of you, my husband is my rock. He is specifically and perfectly made just for me and my quirks. I love him with a love so intense that words won’t do it justice. If I am doing well in all of this it is 100% due to the support of my better than life husband. From keeping God at the center, to being optimistic when I couldn’t be, to just holding me for hours and letting me cry without saying a word. If nothing else this experience has shown me that we WILL make it through anything.
Mommy and Daddy love you sweet butterbean, and will count the days until we can finally meet.

God stinkin' ROX

Yes, my husband took a picture of the pregnancy test.......he was a little bit ecstatic at the time =)

So the news is out! We're having a BABY!!! Jus and I are beyond excited, in fact, we're relieved. Since we were finally victorious in concieving I strongly feel the need to talk about the struggle we've been through the last 14 months. Sheerly for the fact that I wanted so badly to know that someone else had been through what I was going through......so maybe someone who needs that same comfort will find this post =).

So October of 2006 we threw away "the pills". Justin was 100% gung ho on the whole baby thing and while I REALLY REALLY wanted a baby, the thought of what would happen to my body and the fear of giving labor were still lingering in the back of my mind. A few months past and no baby....it was at this point that I started to really want this! I think the fear of not having a baby was FAR greater than all the fear that went along with having one. This is when the planner in me took over......ovulation tests, charts, basal body tempuratures.....the works. I was going to make us have a baby if it killed me, and it felt as if it nearly did. Each month I was SURE I felt all the symptoms. And each month I was more and more disappointed when my period came. I was reading all these websites and books telling me that most young healthy couples will concieve within 6 months of trying, very rarely it takes a year. So after six months went by, my goal was to beat that 1 year mark. That was this October, and when I wasn't pregnant that month, I lost it. I just remember crying uncontrollably. Sometimes in the middle of my classes in school. And for some reason God was bringing pregnant girls into my life repeatedly during this time. One of the freshman that I teach confided in me that she was pregnant and although I was in a twisted way jealous of her, I also didn't envy her situation either. I began to counsel her and she joined a bible study that I teach for high school girls. A few more students at my school got pregnant (I promise that is not the norm, but for some reason this year it was) and I guess I have this magnetism for pregnant teens because so many of them were approaching me for MY guidance....???? I didn't know if this was a test from God, I still don't, but I hope I passed if it was.
I began to look into fertility doctors and actually would have gone to visit one in October had I had my way. But Justin said just wait a couple more months. I'm not sure why he was so positive it would happen in a couple more months but I agreed and we waited. The next month.....nothing. I cannot even begin to put into words the sadness and longing you feel when you want to me mommy and have tried everything you can think of. I remember wanting babies and every once in a while getting that strong desire to have them NOW. But that isn't the feeling I am talking about. This is deeper, sadder, gut-wrenching. It's like no pain that you know. I would walk through the mall with my husband and see him staring at some cute little girl in her pig tails walking hand in hand with her daddy and I knew it hurt him too. We wanted that so badly. I started to think that God's plan for me was to adopt or something. I have a strange ability to absolutely love other people's children as if they were my own. I know that. Maybe God gave me that for a reason?? Everything about having our own child was looking pretty hopeless. Until December 18th at 5:30 am. That's when I decided "what the heck" take a test....it's probably going to be like the last 13 negative tests you've taken so far, but you might as well, you're used to the disappointment by now. So I did, and it was POSITIVE! And here we are today. Praising God for granting our wish. he didn't have to. We don't deserve it, Lord knows I didn't even have the faith of a mustard seed but God is so gracious that he gives to me anyway. It was worth 14 long miserable months to have the amazing feeling I have now. To know that in 9 months (should everything go as planned) we will have a precious little son or daughter. I can't wait, I absolutely can't wait!~ Thank you to all of you who fervently prayed for us. I believe intercession was a huge key in this gift God gave to us. Thank you to the few people who listened to my sobbing about this and felt the pain with me. I love you. Praise God!!

p.s. for all you trying mothers out there I have a few tips and tricks we tried this last month....who knows which one worked (it's all in God's timing anyway) but I know I would have loved to get my hands on ANYTHING to help me concieve. Comment on this blog and I'd be glad to help in any way I can!

Woah, long time......

I started this post with the intention of uploading picture galore......tree, lights, presents.....the whole she-bang. But I'll have to get those on here later. But here is a Christmas Card for all to enjoy (Justin and I are truly trying to see if we can "out-tacky" ourselves every year).

The best I can do is leave you with the cutest Christmas story I've heard and the funniest clip I've been emailed. First we'll hit on the cute story:

So, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have just been called to move (again). After much prayer and trying their hardest to stay where they were, God called a little louder and...they moved. The only problem was that they had no where to live in this "new city" and their house in the "old city" wouldn't sell. The new church he is working for offered to let them stay in a house on church property until they can get their affairs in order, or until the house was needed by the church. After a few months of this, they were getting a bit stressed...."Was this truly what God intended for them to do? Wouldn't he tie up all these loose ends if he called them there?" To make matters worse the church had to let them know the house was needed and they would need to be out by the end of the month. I can imagine how much stress they were in, new city, new job, new friends, no relatives, a three year old, no house, well, a house they weren't using.......ahhhh! But it never fails, God comes through in the clinch and their house sold a couple weeks before they needed to be out, so in the hustle and bustly of closing on a house (in a city far far away may I add) and travelling back and forth to move out, plus doing this new (very important) job, and moving in a NEW house, and it being the holiday time when lots of people who live far away want to visit.....they were crazy. So here is where the story picks up. As they were riding in the car spouting off all the things that needed to be done......."prepare this for work", "sign these papers", "move in the furniture", "put everything up", "prepare the house for guests".......etc., etc., etc. When they finally came up for a breathe they could hear the three year old in the back seat saying something too. They both turned around at once (but the little boy didn't notice) he was too busy staring out the window and singing.........."Knowing you, Jesus, knowing you. There is no greater thing. You're my all, you're the best, you're my joy, my righteousness. And I love you Lord......"
(This is were you all say AWWWWWE) Out of the mouths of babes we are reminded of the true attitude we should have. In light of that here are ALL they lyrics to that song. They are more amazing and present than I remember them:

All I once held dear, built my life upon,
All this world reveres and wars to own;
All I once thought gain I have counted loss;
Spend and worthless now compared to this--

Chorus: Knowing You, Jesus, Knowing You,
There is no greater thing.
You're my all, You're the best,
You're my joy, my righteousness, And I love You, Lord.
(after third verse) And I love You, Lord. (2x)

Now my heart's desire is to know you more,
To be found in you and known as Yours;
To possess by faith what I could not earn,
All surpassing gift of righteousness.
chorus

Oh, to know the pow'r of Your risen life
And to know You in Your sufferings;
To become like You in Your death, my Lord,
So with You to live and never die.
chorus



and here is quite possibly the FUNNIEST video I have ever seen.......or my husband and I are just giggly little girls =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hTxGmvUo_0

Spongebob bandaid

Ok so I'm better now! haha. I know that last post was mucho depresso...but hey, you gotta love it when God gets you over that hump and puts a big fat bandaid on your boo-boo...you know the really cool kind like SPONGEBOB bandaids. Well, that's what he did for me. Man what a support system he has provided me. My husband is amazing, he is so comforting and sweet and knows just what I need to hear when I'm sad or upset about something. I thank God for that sensitive quality he has yet still he manages to hold himself together through everything...even though I know he hurts too =( I just can't wait to spend every minute with him.

Oh and not just him, my fabulous, always there to listen to a rambling phone call about information that does no good whatsoever to your life but you listen due to the fact that it cleanses my soul, friends. I love how they can truly make me feel as if they care and their hearts break over the pitly little tragedies of my life...haha, you are appreciated.

And my Jesus. The one who never fails. Reminds me of whose I am daily and the promises he holds for me. If I could only always be more concerned with his glory than my own relief. I love him so. Something he does for my heart and soul that no other can ever match, no one can ever take. What should I ever have to yearn for or have a saddened heart after?? I am well taken care of.

And I couldn't end this post without the random acts, words, notes, gifts of kindness from all the others that truly touch my life. More of those have come my way now than ever before in my existence. Co-workers, my precious youth babies (I love you more than your mamas!), and acquantances alike have encouraged and uplifted...I guess they could be like the neosporin underneath my spongebob bandaid??

Thanks you Jesus for taking me up in your lap and kissing my Owie. You're unfathomable.

Christians get sad too =(

As I'm struggling God still speaks...

Psalm 56:8 "You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?"
He puts my tears in a bottle?? Wow, kinda makes me feel cared for...I know my tears speak a special language to the heart of God. Our tears are precious to Him. They stir the heart of God our Father and He responds to our tears. Maybe, since he can't reveal all his plans and "fixes" in life to me now, he keeps these tears to remind me at the victorious end of all the times he was watching and I was unaware, the times he wanted to reach down and physically wipe my tears and tell me it would be okay...then lovingly roll out the blueprints he's drawn up for my life. But he knows that wouldn't be for my ultimate good. So he is content with keeping my useless tears in a bottle. Just for him to remember, and for them to stir his heart. There are many cases of this in the Bible, I hope I can be one of them:
Isaiah 38:5 "Go, and say to Hezekiah, Thus saith the LORD, the God of David thy father, I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will add unto thy days fifteen years.”
2 Kings 20:5 "Turn again, and tell Hezekiah the captain of my people, Thus saith the LORD, the God of David thy father, I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee: on the third day thou shalt go up unto the house of the LORD.”
God saw Hezekiah’s tears and He responded to those tears and to his crying out in prayer.

Job 16:20 "My friends scorn me: but mine eye poureth out tears unto God.”
He has heard my cries. I am His child, He has heard my cries and He will respond.

“The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all” Psalm 34:17, 19

I take this one as a promise, and I rejoice because I KNOW God keeps his promises, every one! I have to keep telling myself that he may not always answer my cries when and in the way that I think He should. He responds in a way and time that is for my ultimate good.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts” Isaiah 55:8,9

We have One to whom we may pour out all the deep hurts in our heart and we do not have to fear that our confidences will be betrayed.
“Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah” Psalm 62:8.
God tells us that we may approach Him boldly so that we may receive His mercy and grace in our time of need.
“ Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need” Hebrews 4:16
So for now I will approach the throne of God boldly with my request and my tears in hand. And will claim his promises to me. Yet, for the sake of being honest, I am still human and my heart worries and still yearns...
“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away” Revelation 21:4

Maybe, He will show me that bottle of tears that He has collected from me. “Do you see this bottle here? These are the tears you cried during this time. You see my child, you were never forgotten. I did care that your heart was broken. I was there comforting you.”

I heard this quote in Sunday School this morning and I took it as a message of encouragement and motivation from God as to what I am to do in my downtroddenness...

"Don't think about what might never be but, instead, be FULLY available for what's happening NOW."
~a U.S. Marine (when asked about if he thought about returning to his family)

I am praying that I make myself fully available and stop making plans for the future that my never come to pass. I know I'll need help sticking with this, as I am the WORST planner of all time! I love you Lord and I trust your timing and plan for my life.