18 weeks, 134 lbs. (I feel like 180!)

This is what pregnancy has done to my brain...haha, I had no idea the sign was upside down until I uploaded the picture.

This week WAS a week of large growth! As you can see by the weight gainage, 2 whole pounds in one week! (Which may have something to do with the whole bowel thing...which is still a problem, so if next week I come back and have dropped a "few" pounds...you'll know why) And I think it is safe to say I am officially "showing" haha, my doctor did say I would pop like a popcorn kernel right? I feel like my stomach is actually going to POP! Last night Justin and I were marveling at just how tight it can get without actually popping...has there ever been a pregnant woman whose belly popped? If so, I'm going to start being paranoid about that as well...I can't imagine what it is going to feel like when I'm 40 weeks...woe is me!

Symptoms: Nausea is much better, I still have that middle of the night barf fest but other than that...pretty good! I am eating like a stinking horse! Even when I am not hungry now. I don't think I am "supposed" to do that...but, I love food now!

Justin and I are on a mission to get him to "feel" Charleigh kicking. So far, no luck. I know it will be a while, but we'll keep trying until we get it!

Okay so here is what I've learned this week:

During worship on Sunday morning Dr. Leo Day (our music minister) stopped to read some scripture out of Isaiah, Isaiah 43 to be exact. Here is what he read,

Isaiah 43:18-19

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

Let me tell you the significance of this verse. After our first miscarriage, we were lucky enough to get pregnant three months later. But, only having bad experiences to draw from...I was beyond worried. I was anxious, almost to the point of non-functioning. My friend Jill gave me this verse...I should let the past be the past, and grab hold of the new thing God was doing in my life. Even though my wish for a child was a dessert so far, God could make it spring up with streams of abundance. So I did that, I prayed that verse and proclaimed it over our "new" baby. Much to my surprise...we still lost little Sweet Pea. I was devastated and couldn't understand why God DIDN'T want to give me good things...I was hopeless.

Fast forward a bit, we had the third miscarriage and the next month fell pregnant with my little Miracle (AKA: Charleigh). You can imagine with three failed pregnancies behind us...it was hard for me to "attach" myself to this fourth child. I wanted her so badly but, I was scared to be disappointed and hurt once again. I began thinking very negative thoughts, about how or first doctor's appointment would go. I just didn't have true hope for this precious baby. And then, haha, one day I was standing in line at Hobby Lobby and checking out the candy on my way to the register. I noticed they had this gum called "Testamints" which had scripture on the back of every pack. I thought it was a cute idea so I bought a pack. I turned it over to read the scripture...it was Isaiah 43:18-19. It was the first time I had seen that scripture since our 2nd baby. And although, it wasn't THAT big of a deal, it affected me. Out of all the scriptures that could be written on that little pack of gum, John 3:16, The Great Commission, The Great Commandment, heck, hundreds more popular scriptures could have been there...but, it was Isaiah 43!

So, I'll get to the point...this pregnancy is healthy, it's lasting, and I'm officially "attached". I've let myself start believing positive thoughts about this child and planning for our future with her. So, when Bro. Leo read this verse on Sunday, it caught my attention and I kept reading on down. I came across verses 22-26:

"Yet you have not called upon me, O Jacob, you have not wearied yourselves for me, O Israel.
You have not brought me sheep for burnt offerings, nor honored me with your sacrifices. I have not burdened you with grain offerings nor wearied you with demands for incense. You have not bought any fragrant calamus for me, or lavished on me the fat of your sacrifices. But you have burdened me with your sins and wearied me with your offenses. I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. Review the past for me, let us argue the matter together; state the case for your innocence."

And I got it...God wanted to give me the things he promised in verses 18-19 but, was I living up to my end of the bargain? Had I truly wearied myself for him? I think about the little things that happened between the three miscarriages and this healthy pregnancy...and I think, I really think, that I started doing my part....not just asking for a child over and over, but focusing instead on what I could do for my God in the meantime. #1 - I have now started to "weary" myself for him. My work with the girl's ministry and youth group, is my joy, but is also very wearisome after a full time job and running your own small business. But, in Decemeber, I took the responsibility of being the director of this girl's ministry, regardless of the extra work it would entail. I think God really wanted that from me. Then I started thinking about my offerings and sacrifices...And although I am not going to go into detail but...financially Justin and I decided to "offer and sacrifice" a few things in order to support the huge project our church is doing with the new Ministry Village we are building. I feel really uncomfortable putting that on here but I truly want to get the point across that my actions during this time period were in God's will. Finally. We were starting to make sacrifices and offerings that weren't there before.

Before, I lived up to the second part of those verses...all I had managed to do was burden him with my sins, weary him with our offenses. In the last verse I even sense a hint of sarcasm...God, suggests that we sit down and "review" my offenses...he even says, he'll let me "argue" my point and we will see if I am innocent. After you go through such hard times over and over again, you start blaming yourself in a way. I remember sitting down and thinking of all the things I've done that could have brought this hurt upon me. Before these occurences, I'm pretty sure I thought I was "hot stuff"...goody-two-shoes, not too many blots on my record...but after this time...I literally sat down with God and took account of ALL my sins. I think i probably argued my point a time or two but in the end...came up guilty. I think God needed all of these from me. Now, I am not trying to say that I checked all the boxes and did everything right and THAT is why I have my precious Charleigh...I just think, God wanted so badly to give me all the good things I desired but was waiting on my heart, my mind, and my soul...to be ready. Anyway, I might be totally off...but, that is what I feel I have been taught this week.

On another note, I feel like this pregnancy is taking FOREVER! I want so badly for it to hurry up so I can hold her and know everything turns out okay. I just want her to be here! But then, I start thinking of EVERYTHING I have to do to get ready for her...and AHHHH, she needs to stay in there for a while! There is no way I'm getting all this done! It's a weird feeling.

Thursday is our 18 week appointment where they check all the organs and make sure they are functioning properly. Dr. Maher's office does this every time but I think now that the baby has grown so much, they will be able to see even more than before :) I'm excited to see her again, it's been a whole month! I've been okay with the anxiety factor since I can feel her and hear her heartbeat all the time now...but I want to see her again!